December 11, 2012

One week postpartum... birth and recovery


Above depicts almost one week but 6 days to be exact. My body is ... recovering. I am still sore. Particularly at the cite of incision (because in my birth story there was an incision).

Suffice it to say that birth didn't go according to plan. This fact becomes easier for me to confront with each passing day but that doesn't mean it is easy. At least not yet. I don't plan to post my full birth story here but the synopsis is that I went into labor at home. Began timing contractions around 2:30 am on Sunday morning (Nov. 25th). Woke up Chris at 3 when I realized that things were likely happening. I labored at home until around 10am that morning when I called the midwife on duty and my parents. My favorite memories of labor are from that period of being at home. I was having back labor and things felt really intense so Chris drew me a bath and poured warm water on me. Standing during contractions helped. Moving through contractions helped. Both of these options were no longer available once I went to the hospital, unfortunately.

Sitting on the birth ball somehow made it feel worse through my back but that was just as well. By the time I got to the hospital I was 8cm dilated. I couldn't believe it! I was still walking around and talking through contractions so I anticipated being told I was 3 or 4 cm. For this reason, I truly believe I could have made it to 10 without interventions. But my blood pressure was elevated and my heart condition caused enough concern that I was not given much choice but to receive an epidural. Had I known this decision was made for me by my care providers (who never informed me) I would have waited a little longer, hoping to get to 10. Hindsight. I wish I hadn't made such a big deal during my prenatal care about my relatively common heart condition for this reason.* Hindsight.

The story from here isn't a new or surprising one. The epidural stalled me out. Over the course of the afternoon and evening, they broke my water and I was given pitocin. Both of these things made back labor worse. And when it was time to push nothing could counteract the fact that I was completely numb in the area where I needed to feel. So my pushing was ineffective. I pushed for four hours and was told that I had failed to move her down far enough. She was also possibly sunny side up? At this point my memories become blurry. Anyway, the OB checked me and determined that Emilia and I were not candidates for suction or forceps.

So the further condensed version of all of this is that I wound up with a surgical birth. Although I wrote here many times about how I intended to be open-minded and flexible nothing could emotionally prepare me for that moment... and all the moments that it rendered impossible.

I spent my entire pregnancy envisioning that she'd come out of me and be placed immediately on my chest. I thought about whether Chris (squeamish as he is) would be able to cut the cord or if my mom would have to do it. I brainstormed what to wear so that I could as easily and swiftly as possible begin skin to skin, breastfeed, and bond with my baby girl.

It is hard not to have those memories that I anticipated with such excitement and (to be honest) certainty. It is hard to have instead the memory of a sheet in front of my face as my body was strapped down, shivering, and nauseous from all the medications being pumped into my veins. My least favorite memory of birth was hearing her cry but being unable to see her. The nagging almost primal desire to want to hold her was unlike anything I've ever felt. But my limbs were numb so holding her was not going to be an option. No one brought her over to me or lowered the curtain. No one gave us the chance to do skin to skin with our faces. Chris did get to hold her and for that I am grateful. I didn't really meet her until I was post op.  And there were no medically emergent reasons for any of these decisions except that they were hospital protocol. I wasn't aware of this protocol. My birth plan's section on surgical birth requested simple things be done to humanize the operation. Lowering the curtain, skin to skin, and other small requests I wrote in it were approved by the midwives. Had these requests been a part of my birth I am sure the hard feelings I'm having in hindsight would be less... hard.

Don't get me wrong. I am so glad we are both healthy. I am so glad to have medical care that can ensure our health and survival even if my particular birth experience felt dehumanizing and traumatic at points. Even as it hurts to get up and down, even as it hurts to twist or maneuver my body, even as I look at my body which has the aftermath of both vaginal and surgical birth to recover from, even after my milk was delayed by a day while my body took its time in recognizing that she was born, I am so so so grateful. I am grateful for this baby and this new life. I am also grateful that she was born at 12:10 am on November 26th because November 25th was by far the most terrifying day of my life. And I am lucky that its anniversary will not fall on a day I intend to celebrate fully and richly for the rest of my life.

*Even one of the anesthesiologists mentioned after the fact that the reason why my condition, called PFO isn't studied is not because it is so anomalous or unique. It's because it is utterly mundane and common. So inevitably plenty of pregnant people have had vaginal, unmedicated births with a PFO. I say this because I fear people will read "heart condition" and think my desire for an unmedicated birth is unreasonable or selfish.  

10 comments:

  1. Oh Jess you've brought tears to my eyes, I'm glad you are healing well & bonding with your gorgeous girl. Elodie was also back to back so it was agony but luckily I managed to get her out, the thought of surgery didn't enter my head. I'm sorry that you hadn't been informed of certain things, time will heal it all of course but I totally understand wanting to get that baby on you & get her warm & feeding. Being robbed of that opportunity will no doubt linger but just enjoy her. I'm writing this as Elodie is in the bath, chucking all her toys out & standing up to pee then clapping her hands. It's been a phenomenal 15 months & I wish you every joy & happiness!!xxxx

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    1. Thank you for the kind words, LS. The experience of back labor is unlike any pain I've ever imagined! I am so happy you were able to get Elodie out vaginally. I wish I had been so fortunate but I am feeling more at peace with my own birth every day. Snuggling a little one does wonders for emotional healing. :) xo

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  2. Oh, Jess. I'm sorry! This is heart wrenching, but I am so glad all was well in the end. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

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    1. Thank you Rebecca. I apologize for the delay in my response to your kind words. I have been giving myself time to process and feel more at peace and better each day.

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  3. I am so so sorry you had such a tough time. I can't imagine how upset you must feel. Regardless baby Emilia is gorgeous and I hope you have a speedy recovery!

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    1. Thank you, Usha. I admit I have stayed away from this post which was therapeutic to write but hard to revisit and read until now. I feel better and more at peace very day.

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  4. I'm sorry your birth didn't turn out the way you wanted. We try to think of every scenario, but there's always something unexpected. My Michael didn't start crying right away, so they took him off of my chest before I even realized he was there! I'm surprised they even let you push for 4 hours before deciding on surgical intervention! I had an epidural too but regained enough feeling to feel the baby move through me. I didn't feel enough to push well, but my vomiting and dry heaving helped!

    It will be hard for you to block out those painful memories, especially while you're still in pain, but your new memories made with Emilia will soon replace them. She will amaze you and bring you so much happiness every single day. And before you know it, you'll be celebrating her first birthday!

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    1. Thank you for sharing your experience, Terrie. To be fair to the medical professionals who let me push for that long, I was not pushing effectively. Sure I had some pushing aftermath to heal from but the epidural made me so numb that I wasn't as forceful as I needed to be. I wish I had gained more feeling by then.

      It has been hard to the point where I haven't even had the heart to revisit this post until now. But I feel better every day and feel closer to peace with every snuggle and hug and kiss I get to lavish on my baby. :)

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  5. If it makes you feel any better... My cousin was put in a similar position when the epidural made her completely numb and she couldn't feel to push. However, she was given the option of a vacuum-assisted birth, and she chose it b/c it seemed like the less of the interventions, compared to the other option of a C. There was quite a bit of cutting involved to assemble the vacuum, to an extent which was not adequately explained to her beforehand...she had many, many stitches and recovery for her was just unbearable. Another friend of mine reported similar issues after her vacuum birth...for example, the amount of stitches made sitting down comfortably impossible for quite a while. Both say they may have opted for the C, in hindsight.
    Regarding those things you wanted but did not get after your surgical birth - I am so sorry. Why can't such measures be standard, automatically offered to every woman? Why should one even be put in the position of pleading for things that are better, and more soothing, for mother and baby, especially at such a challenging moment as birth? I am looking forward to the day when what pleases and nurtures mom and baby is default, not a "special request."

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    1. It does make me feel better. Having read and discussed other women's experiences I know that trauma and hard feelings can result from just about any kind of birth, regardless of whether it's a c-section or vaginal. I guess that feeling that it is such a vulnerable, powerful, and sometimes frightening thing is something I share with a lot of people. Thank you so much for your comments and kind words.

      It has been hard until now for me to even come back to this post. But I feel a lot closer to peace from having written about it and from having a little more distance from it.

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