My Postpartum Saviors: AKA the Moms' Group

Photo by Sarah from my group

Things are usually very busy with my work in March and April and my social calendar suffers for it, but this time last year I was in total hibernation mode. I had just discovered that I was pregnant and I didn't want to tell anyone this news for fear of jinxing things. But how to find social support during and following pregnancy was a subject that dominated my thoughts even back then. Early into pregnancy I quietly lamented the fact that none of the people in my immediate (i.e. local) social sphere were planning to be (or already were) in the family way. It was a selfish gripe, for sure. But I was dying to confide and commiserate.

Thanks to the brave new world in which we live, I found some camaraderie via semi-private, semi-anonymous online messageboards. They provided an outlet to discuss pregnancy in a seemingly low-risk manner. Should things go south for any reason my secret was still largely safe. Even so, I longed for local buddies. 

Pregnancy made me feel alienated in a lot of ways because it is so individual. I felt like I was the only person embodying this specific experience, since pregnancies vary so widely. Viscerally and emotionally, the transitions and anticipation and worry and symptoms were mine to manage. Sure, I could describe them to others but I was the only person living them, 24 hours a day. Meeting other pregnant women "in real life" was difficult but my desire to do so made me overly eager. Whenever possible, I would make eye contact and smile at any other obviously pregnant women (so long as they appeared with hand on the belly, aka the "tell") I spotted. But transitioning from casual "so, when are you due?" chit chat to a fully fledged "lets meet up and be FRIENDS!" request felt impossible! Even getting to the casual chit chat stage was hard.

I wrote in this space about how much I enjoyed my Lamaze class but regretted that the condensed format decreased our chances of making friends with other parents-to-be. And although a few of my girlfriends became pregnant over the course of my own pregnancy, all of them lived far away from Pittsburgh. By late November, I had accepted that I'd likely have to hunt for local preggo comrades via meetup.com or Babycenter's Pittsburgh community. But when I began digging, it was hard to find a group where I thought I'd have more than just "motherhood" in common with the members.*

It was important to me to seek camaraderie with women who I could relate to, that were politically progressive (and hopefully feminist), perhaps a little crunchy, non-judgmental, open-minded, supportive (rather than competitive), and (at least some who were going to be) working.  It was a tall order. And with every passing day I was beginning to lose hope.

By the time E was born (10 days early) I felt like my opportunities for commiseration and venting with new moms would be relegated to online communities. It wasn't until my incision check (which occurred on my December 5th due date) that I caught a glimmer of hope.

December 5th was a heavy day for me. It was the day I was due. It was to be my last day of classes for the term. I was dealing with end of term stress, as I tried to administer final assignments and evaluations remotely. All while recovering from major surgery and taking care of my newborn daughter. My upset over Emilia's birth and the treatment I received by one midwife in particular were weighing on me. I knew I had to bring it up to feel a sense of closure about the situation. Knowing that I needed extra support that day, both Chris and my mom came along. My mom watched the baby while Chris accompanied me to the exam room. I wanted to be strong but I sobbed as I voiced my disappointment. I was a mess but it felt good to get it off my chest.

By the time it was over I was emotionally spent and felt physically nauseous. I can't even imagine how I must have looked. As I was leaving the office, I had to go back through the waiting area to schedule my 6 week check up. After I did, a woman named Sarah approached me and introduced herself. She said recognized me from my personal style blog and wanted to say congratulations. She was waiting for her own appointment but for prenatal care. And she was adorably pregnant with her second child. A boy! She was due in a few weeks. She said she first recognized my dress (thank goodness I wore that dress to the appointment) and then realized it was me.

I was frazzled as hell but so eager to meet someone who 1. reads my blog and 2. is a mom with baby number 2 on the way. Just as I was on the cusp of making my very first mom friend since becoming a mom myself, she was called into her appointment. I pleaded that she email me and probably sounded a little unhinged in the context of my frazzled state. Thank goodness she did anyway! That night she said she was thinking about organizing a moms' group. She said she had done it the first time around and found it to be really helpful. I told her I would LOVE to be included. And now five of us meet weekly with our babies. I feel as though I am a better mom and a better partner on the days when I hang with these moms and babies.

We sometimes cry a little. We always laugh. We often find ourselves offering advice and usually commiseration. It is a sympathetic, fun, funny, candid, intelligent, and accomplished bunch. I feel so grateful to know these women. I learn so much from them! I can honestly say that I not only love our group, but I truly have needed these meetings. I lean on these women when I have darker days and I think about them and their babies during the week, wondering how things are going. Pittsburgh is a big small town but I was still surprised by how connected we already were once we got to know one another. It was so serendipitous to have met Sarah that day!  

For all of these reasons, I cannot recommend enough that new-moms-to-be seek support, commiseration, friendship, and venting opportunities with others. Although the advice I've received from moms at all stages has been invaluable to me, speaking with new (and also mostly first time) moms who are in the newborn trenches is so so so validating. So legitimizing. So calming. So ... wonderful! I have grown so fond of these women and their babies. I love seeing how the babies change with every week. And I love that I've found friendship and empathy with a group of such smart, thoughtful, kind, and inspiring ladies.

*Having thought this initially, Sarah recently and wisely pointed out that motherhood encompasses so much on its own. It can be so all-consuming. Even if we hadn't found a group of women with whom we share many other commonalities beyond motherhood, I am sure we'd have plenty to discuss. In other words, don't get hung up on finding the perfect group! The most important variable is being able to discuss your experiences in being moms.

My "Mane" Postpartum Complaint

In January... a fuller time

I know it is spring time so I'd expect this from Speck the dog, but I too am shedding. My hair is everywhere! On my sleeves, in my car, on Emilia's clothes, in otherwise neglected corners of rooms, pooling in my shower drain. Everywhere. It's alarming how much of it I seem to be losing though I am told this is normal. I knew to expect it and also knew that women with longer hair tend to notice the loss more so. That doesn't make it any easier to touch parts of it that I thought were still attached to my head, only to find them instead filling my hands. :(

 As mine falls out, E's comes in!

The first time I read about postpartum hair loss from a personal perspective was actually on a style blog. Fellow Pittsburgher, Terra of Stylish White Female wrote candidly about her own postpartum hair and how it effected her sense of self. I guess this is a common experience for women who have had children.

Heightened estrogen levels during pregnancy cause you to retain hair you would typically lose on a day-to-day basis. But the process of regaining equilibrium in the maternal body means that in the months following birth you lose that hair. And practically en masse. I usually really appreciate my hair for its waves and general health but right now I find myself pulling it back into a bun so that I don't have to confront the losses constantly. I am also concerned about the potential for my hair to create a baby tourniquet (i.e. thank you Babycenter, for giving me something else about which to worry!).

Now the dilemma is: to cut or not to cut? I love my long hair in theory but if it is shedding like this and decreasing in volume maybe it is time for something short and sweet? 
  
P.S. Apologies for the title pun but I am trying my best to make light of a frustrating situation.

Consuming Parenthood Featured on PG Playground

I was so excited to be contacted by reporter, Anya Sostek about being featured on the Post Gazette's staff parenting blog. And the first feature is up today! You can check it out alongside posts from many other Pittsburgh parenting bloggers by visiting the PG Playground.

Also, on Consume or Consumed you can enter to win a gallery wrap canvas print from Signazon, to commemorate a favorite photo of your family, pets, little ones, or anything you like! Check it out here. 

Sleep (or lackthereof)...

"Is she sleeping through the night yet?" "How are you sleeping?" "What's her sleep like?" And so on. And so forth...

The topic of baby sleep inspires countless books, theories, methods, products, and "experts." It stirs controversies and divides opposing factions of parents. It is interesting though unsurprising that many theories and bits of advice about infant sleep run contradictory to one another. "Put the baby down awake." Put the baby down after she's been in your arms for 20 minutes." "Don't put the baby down at all." "Nurse to sleep." "Don't nurse to sleep." The list goes on...

Perhaps that is why sleep is a subject that dominates nearly every conversation about how Chris and I are adapting to our new lives as parents. Friends and family with and without children are eager to hear about our familial sleep habits. And I am a little reluctant to admit that the answer is that things are going surprisingly well. I don't want to jinx us or sound like a braggart. Sure, we have outlier nights when Emilia wakes and wakes and wakes (usually corresponding with a growth spurt) but on the whole, we are all sleeping. Getting her down for the count is the hardest part. But once she is down she's out. She sleeps for a long stretch (between 6.5 and 8.5 hours) that is typically bookended with a few hours on either side. I should say that it was not always like this and I don't anticipate that it will always be like this (especially with the infamous four month sleep regression around the corner). But our current pattern has endured for weeks. Because I'm worried about maintaining my breast milk supply (particularly after I return to work officially), I try to pump at least once during her long stretch.

For me, as an anxious new mom it is an easily interrupted sleep. It is a painfully light sleep. I was a light sleeper before pregnancy and birth. I have trouble winding down when I go to bed. And I have trouble getting back down after I wake. As long as I can remember I have had bouts of sleeplessness that border on insomnia. I identify as a night owl. So even when I'm sleeping while the baby sleeps, mine is not the most restful. That said, it is more plentiful than I anticipated.

People ask me why that is? Why wouldn't I collapse with exhaustion whenever I get the chance? It isn't that I'm not tired. Sometimes I wonder if I am in fact "overtired?" My mind races, contemplating all the things I have to get done and the little time in which I can do them. I am lucky to have a decent chunk of maternity leave from teaching but I still have responsibilities, projects, and research to complete. I have a house to keep up. I have an elderly dog to care for. I have family and friends who are local and understandably want time with the baby as well as us. I have a husband that I want to spend time with. And I stay up thinking about how there are too few hours in a day. Sometimes (in classic new mom fashion) I stay up just making sure my baby is breathing.

I guess I am still adjusting to my new normal but when the stars align and my anxiety clouds part I finally get to sleep ... provided that the baby still is too.

*** Edited to add on May, 16, 2013: Soon after publishing this post, Emilia began the four month sleep regression. So I indeed managed to jinx things by writing about how well everything was going. But the good (and bittersweet) part about babies is that they change so quickly that we emerged once again with a new pattern. Then she figured out how to roll on her stomach from her back and would cry when she would wake up "stuck." Now she's a rolypoly all night long, back and forth, and loves sleeping on her belly. Those have become the "new normals" over the course of the last two months. Who knows how long our current situation will last (She sleeps from around 7:30-1, eats and is down again until 7. Though last night she slept from 8:30-6am)? She is on the cusp of her six month birthday and I sense that teething is around the corner...