Pickles and Ice Cream: On Cravings

Panzanella

One question that I've been asked a lot has been with regard to food cravings. The stereotype of the hungry pregnant woman wanting odd or extreme combinations of flavors in large quantities is one that permeates our entertainment media. And when I reflect on my pregnancy thus far, it has had  moments of ringing very true.

Early on, one of the first things I wanted was broccoli rapini, grilled with garlic and lots of lemon. Chris was happy to oblige and we ate it as a side dish with many of our April dinners. Thankfully, the Italian market always keeps some on hand. I also wanted milkshakes. All the milkshakes in the land, ideally with some salty and sweet combination of flavors. Chris concocted an incredible Speculoos-themed one that I still daydream about.

In the first trimester, sometimes eating left me with a metallic taste that was unpleasant so I found myself gravitating toward lots of vinegar and citrus to neutralize or supersede that. And when I say citrus, I don't just mean oranges. Both pre- and during pregnancy, I have eaten my fair share of halved lemons and limes. I am a big fan of garnishes as snacks. Raw green peppers have also been very appealing to me, throughout this pregnancy. Salads with lots of vinegar and a tiny bit of oil hit the spot.

Cilantro. Basil. Ripe (in season) tomatoes. Aged balsamic. Watermelon.

Hummus. Eggplant. Kale. Dry Ricotta and other salty, hard cheeses.

My mom's chicken and dumplings (which I always crave anyway).

All of the above, please!

When berries came into season, I couldn't get enough of them (especially blueberries and black raspberries). Currently, I feel that way about apples (specifically winesaps). Also, I have been intensely craving ripe pomegranates and keep buying them before they're ripe, just in case I luck out and get one that is ready early.

Thus far this list makes me look like the healthiest fruit and veggie fiend on the planet. It's both misleading and incomplete! I love desserts and sweet treats. I was so excited to see the spread of cake and cookies at my showers. Although I adore chocolate, that craving has taken a back seat to my desire for cannolis, almond flavored cake, thumbprints, and pizzelles.

The other interesting thing about my cravings is an intense desire for all the pre-packaged foods I enjoyed as a child (when I could convince my mom to buy them, that is). I had a week late in my second trimester when I was DYING for an iced cherry pop tart. Although (other than ice cream) I tend to avoid the freezer section of my grocer, I've craved those cheap and sodium-rich party pizzas and Stouffers frozen vegetable lasagna that were meals my friends and I would make ourselves as adolescents, after school. I haven't indulged that urge because I fear the heartburn havoc that would surely result. But I've yearned for them, inexplicably.

Oreos. Goldfish Crackers. Laffy Taffy. BBQ chips. Plain Cheerios. Toaster waffles. All of these foods have given me pangs of want. I've avoided many of them by just avoiding their sections in the stores but I did cave on a few.

Orange juice and grapefruit juice, specifically tart or sour versions without any added sugar taste AMAZING to me and have since the beginning. I think in general, my senses are heightened so smell and taste are both better when something is good and worse when something is bad.

Lately, I've wanted curries, stews, cinnamon, and whoopie pies/gobs. But to be honest, none of these desires are out of the ordinary for me during the fall.

Oh and there's also pickles.  Chris makes my favorite ones. When we didn't have them on hand (because cucumbers weren't in season at the farmer's market until mid-summer), I tried a few store brands and was left craving his even more so than before.

That reminds me that I need to acknowledge my incredible good fortune, to have a partner who is such an avid lover of foods and home cooking. Although I try my best to contribute to our meal planning and executions, Chris's talents far exceed my own. And he has kept us both incredibly well fed during these months of random food wants. He's my favorite.

I'll be back with 35 week belly shots tomorrow or the next day!

Week by week: 33

33 weeks

This weekend I had the first of my baby showers and I feel so overwhelmed with love and support. It was a beautiful time being surrounded by wise women and girls of all ages. My dear friend China even came into town to attend. I was so so happy to see her and hug her and catch up. I am left yet again feeling really lucky in general.

Physically, things are good overall but my stomach is very... strained. My heartburn is very pervasive. My back occasionally hurts. I am told all of this is normal. My midwife appointments are now every two weeks and last Thursday's check up was reassuring. Measuring on track, strong fetal heartbeat, etc. I have begun wondering if my face looks different. I kind of see differences when I look at pre- and during-pregnancy photos but I wonder if that is due to weight or something else? There's that terrible, misogynistic old wives tale about how fetal girls "steal your beauty" and as absurd as I know that sounds, I have to wonder if pregnancy does change the shape and composition of a face? Especially since so many other parts of the body change, beyond just the belly. I also realize the changes I see in my face likely relate to being tired and taking less careful time to take outfit photos.

Some days I also feel really frustrated by what I see on the scale. I know that the gains I've made in the last 33 weeks are all for good reason but it can be difficult not to think negatively about that aspect of pregnancy. After all, I inhabit a weight-obsessed culture! Despite that, my body image is usually pretty positive and unconnected with weight. I don't typically dwell on the numbers on tags or scales. I need to harness that approach again while acknowledging that I'm doing the best that I can to eat well and to avoid being entirely sedentary.

Anyway, I can't believe how time has flown by. I have so much to do! I hope the fetus keeps cooking as planned because I need every minute of time to work and prepare.

Outfit Details:
Three Seasons Maternity dress from Amazon (unfortunately this seems to no longer be half off like it was when I bought it)
Gap tights (pulled low cause they're not maternity)
Nine West pumps

Week by Week: 32

32 Weeks

I'm getting bigger every day. My stomach skin aches because it is so strained. I've been dutifully lathering myself with cocoa butter and jojoba oil, hoping to stave off the inevitable. I don't yet have marks but I envision them in my future. As I feel the fetus wiggle around, I imagine that she's trying to make even more room. It's hard to fathom my stomach growing larger but I know it must. And I know it will be worth it.

It's fun to compare the above with my first belly photos on this blog (which were taken at around 15 weeks) cause I was wearing the same top.

Pants with real buttons! I remember you. 

32 week outfit Details:
Orla Kiely for Uniqlo sailboat tshirt
Gap Maternity Cords 
Payless captoe flats (which have extra cushy padding and are sooooo comfy!! Thanks mom, for treating me to some larger interim footwear!!)

The pregnant body image

Pregnancy is a liminal space of in-between. The life changes resultant from pregnancy are often described as "to be." And the language of pregnancy is often anticipatory and futuristic. Weekly emails describe my "baby" as though it exists autonomously and independent from me. And in a lot of ways, I feel abstracted from the process of its development. Instead I feel as though I must relinquish control to instinct and biology. My maternal body is doing its thing without conscious effort on my part (beyond some minor behavioral changes). So on some level, projecting "personhood" is to be expected, despite my own discomfort with such a notion.

The  rhetoric of personhood has led directly and indirectly to the erosion of women's reproductive rights in states around the country. So as a feminist, I feel reluctant especially to lend it credence. From an academic perspective it is interesting to notice how the descriptions of pregnancy's effects on the maternal body/person are near the end of the email, secondary and removed from the fetus rather than integrated across its narratives of development. In the discourse of pregnancy, these changes are framed as "side" effects, rather than simply "effects."

Recently, I revisited Emily Martin's canonical feminist text, The Woman in the Body: A Cultural Analysis of Reproduction and was reminded of the complicated history of (Western) medicine when it comes to treating women's bodies. In some ways, this history permeates how we understand and discuss pregnancy in broader American culture. And I've been trying to put that into context with my own experience of being pregnant.

So much of the discourse of pregnancy is futuristic and rooted in anticipating changes that are beyond one's control, but my pregnant body and mind inhabit the present. The pregnant body does remarkable things to foster and maintain a hospitable environment in which a fetus can develop (and an embryo and blastocyst, before that). The process is incredibly integrated and surprisingly efficient. I'm already grateful for the visceral and intellectual educations of this experience.

But at times it has been challenging to surrender those comforting feelings of control and put my trust in what is physiologically intuitive. Some days I feel alienated from an increasingly unfamiliar and occasionally uncomfortable, pained body. Related, I no longer enjoy the same amount of control in announcing my pregnancy to the outside world. My body speaks for me. And with the social and moral panic over pregnant bodies (i.e. so many opportunities to be policed and judged), it can also be incredibly disempowering to feel subordinate to what is an undeniably miraculous physiological process.

When you're experiencing so much change as you inhabit what was once a familiar body it can be tough to make sense of all the new normals. Of course, I am so thrilled to be pregnant and still find a great deal of novelty in feeling fetal movement which makes me even more excited and anticipatory. But this experience hasn't been without its own body image issues and transition pains.

Week by Week: 31

31 weeks

This week, I've tried to accept that my mobility is increasingly compromised by pregnancy. I took some breaks while teaching to sit down. Lecturing from a stool is unfamiliar terrain for me, as someone who likes to move around the classroom freely. But I was able to still gesture and move a bit while seated. I've found that the tricky part is getting up and down from the stool or a seated position, gracefully. Grace has never been my strong suit but right now I feel especially ungraceful. And with the occasional inadvertent sounds I make while moving, I feel self-conscious.

I also decided that it is ok if I occasionally need to take an elevator rather than the stairs, especially while lugging my course materials. It took me a while to get to this point but I become short of breath more readily and don't want to show up to class huffing and puffing.

I also advocated for my comfort at the Little Italy Days festival by letting friends and loved ones know when/if I needed to take a rest. This is all new for me, as a fairly prideful person who doesn't like being fussed over or being a bother. I hate disrupting a social setting to say to Chris that I need to find a place to take a load off. But he understands and so does everyone else. In terms of stamina I have to acknowledge that my body has changed. It's carrying a lot more weight than usual and its center of gravity is completely off. Even when I am minding my posture to save myself from back pain, it is hard not to arch due to the weight of my belly. Also, it's impossible to be conscious of it all the time.

Anyway, my mom got to feel the fetus move and kick yesterday which was thrilling for us both. We met up to shop and hang for her birthday. I took her to lunch but she generously treated me by buying me some comfy shoes and a cute dress. She also bought so many clothes and odds and ends for the baby. Can a fetus be spoiled? :)

I hope my dad will be able to feel her kick tonight at my mom's and Katie's birthday dinner! I tried on the above dress this afternoon because I knew it would really showcase the belly. Admittedly, I didn't wear it anywhere yet.

Outfit Details:
Bailey 44 Tiered Stripes dress from Anthro
Zanotti flats

On exceptionalism and test anxieties

Especially for first time moms-to-be, a wanted pregnancy can still be fraught with worry and anxiety. Many of the wise "been there, done that" moms in my life have tried their best to comfort me with the reminder that statistics are usually in one's favor and to trust in the pregnant body. But in so many ways the experience of being pregnant has been one lesson in surrender after another. Lacking agency in determining so many of the outcomes can leave a person feeling disempowered and fearful. And often, prenatal tests can stimulate as much concern as they do relief.

The wealth of information available online can become another venue through which to stir anxieties. Dr. Google may have some helpful answers, (and of course I am grateful to live in this age of information) but not all information is created equal. And the ability to work oneself into a nervous mess is almost too easy now.

One of the subjects I teach about in a few of my courses concerns American ideology. And one powerful, shaping notion that permeates American culture is "exceptionalism." Exceptionalism is a (conscious or unconscious) belief in one's uniqueness and individuality... that you will be the exception to the rule.* For example, the belief that statistically you will beat the odds and ascend in socio-economic status through a combination of hard work and good luck is both a familiar narrative found in the stories we tell and retell, and for many Americans, a powerful motivating force in life.

There's a fantastic book titled, A Nation of Outsiders that unpacks this notion... the idea that we prop up rebel "outsiders" and/or believe ourselves to be "outside" of the crowd or even perhaps above the statistics. This might seem like a tangent, but I'm bringing it up because exceptionalism isn't always positive or motivating. It can also encourage irrational feelings that venture toward "worst case scenario" territories. And because pregnancy is at once entirely normal and yet completely miraculous, it can be easy to believe that "despite all odds" things might go very wrong. That statistics will not be in your favor. That in fact, yours will be the cautionary tale... Dr. Google corroborates this irrationality, as there are infinite spaces through which to read cautionary tale after cautionary tale, giving an impression that such tales aren't so exceptional after all.

But this isn't all bad either... when faced with adversity during pregnancy, finding commiseration and empathetic comfort is that much easier thanks to the wealth of crowd sourced information and virtual community support. This would be impossible without Dr. Google.

All of this is my long-winded way of saying that I know my worries are normal. My fears might become amplified because of all the available information. I might fear that I will be the exception to the rule. But the odds are in my favor (as they are in the overwhelming majority of individual circumstances) and that is what I strive to make my takeaway.

My partner and I decided to have a number of prenatal tests done throughout my pregnancy. We wanted all the information available to us at every turn. While all signs have pointed to a healthy, normal pregnancy with appropriate embryonic and fetal development, that doesn't mean that there is never any worry. I trust science. I trust my healthcare providers. And I am learning with every day and every kick that I feel to trust my body. I trust it to continue to do what it needs to do. After all, it has so far.

So far, so good.

*Actually, it's a bit more complex than that but for the purposes of this post my above definition is sufficient.

Birth Class and Week by week: 28

Week 28

Holy cow I'm in my third trimester! I'm both terrified and excited that things are moving along so fast. I feel good, although my movements are definitely slower out of necessity. They're also occasionally more audible than I intend (as in I make funny guttural sounds if I am getting up from the floor or something... lol). My heartburn has worsened and I seem to have the same tiny bladder issues I had during the first trimester. My stomach fills up faster than before, too.

Yesterday, Chris and I began a condensed Lamaze class at our hospital (Magee Womens Hospital in Pittsburgh) and it was so wonderful. I know a lot of people remark that reading books will offer the same impact of taking a class but that seemed less desirable to me. Although I have been reading about pregnancy and birth avidly, I still wanted to take a class. Reading is often solitary and the experience of taking a class is shared. Plus, as phd candidates, Chris and I are no strangers to schooling. We basically thrive in a classroom environment. So for us, it only made sense to sign up for something. My insurance will cover half of the class cost but even if it didn't, I view it as a good investment in memory-making.

32 years later, my parents still talk about the birth class they took when they were pregnant with their first born (me). They made lasting friendships from it. Sadly, the condensed class sessions that fit our work schedules will be less likely to yield much in the way of bonding with other couples. But I enjoy the metaphoric connection I share with the people in the room, even if we don't get to know each other during our short time together.

Also, the instructor is fantastic and incredibly engaging. I had no problem staying alert the entire day, listening to her explain things, share anecdotes, offer clever metaphors, and demonstrate with course materials. I even found myself tearing up at moments during which she described with enthusiasm and sincerity the remarkable things that occur in the pregnant body. I do have extra feelings right now thanks to all the hormones but in general, I am moved by the notion that my body is doing things that are miraculous, natural, and also in so many ways, entirely mundane. I can't wait for our next class!

I'm curious about the experiences of others in this regard. Did you take a birthing class? Our instructor said around 20% or less of pregnant women take classes. I don't have a lot of friends who have had children so I can't do any informal social polls. But I imagine that Dr. Google in conjunction with youtube videos (and traditional books) have created an environment of learning in which taking birth classes seem less necessary than ever before? Or perhaps the stats have always been low due to the time and money involved in enrolling?

Outfit details:
Ancient Myths maxi skirt from Anthropologie (stoked this still fits for now)
Banana Republic tee
Havaniana flip flops

The pregnant, professorial body

Maternity Dresses
Maternity Pants & Shorts

Not unlike the pregnant body, a professorial body (particularly, a female one) can become the subject of scrutiny and attention, particularly from students. It is the knowledge of this that makes me more than just a little nervous about returning to the classroom with a visible bump. When I wrapped up my spring term, I was in my first trimester and not showing at all. It was an easy secret to mask because my body made no announcements on my behalf.

Now, that is no longer the case. My body might not be recognizable immediately as "pregnant" to strangers (though I'm sure my unconscious habit of resting a hand on my stomach might offer a clue), but on a smaller liberal arts campus it has changed enough to yield speculation.

Because of when my due date falls, I will make sure to include contingency plans in my syllabi which will announce to students my "condition" immediately. On our first day of class I will discuss options with them and hope to keep things as focused and on-task as possible.

But I am also a little concerned about the physical reality of being in front of a classroom while very pregnant. I am usually animated and mobile. I take my own mobility and ease of movement for granted. I hope I am still able to be as dynamic in movement as I have been in semesters previous. I also want to give myself the space to sit down, particularly in my longer once-a-week course. It is a smaller section that I plan to hold in seminar format so that shouldn't be a big problem.

Above is a back to school maternity wish list I compiled for Consume or Consumed. It includes mostly solids so I can repeat easily and often. The clothing aspect is another component of this that has me feeling timid. Hopefully between what I already have and a few key pieces (like maternity tights) I will be ok.

Symptom roundup and how I've coped

During my pregnancy, I have spent a lot of moments feeling overcome by... the moments (both happy and sad). Above I'm crying just a little while Chris photographs me with a postcard I was sending to my parents during my birthday breakfast. We were in an Italian cafe in San Diego and I was thinking about how special it was to be someplace new for a birthday. And how special it was to be pregnant (while wanting to be pregnant) on my birthday. You can see the redness in my face. The latte was incidentally the last (delicious) coffee I had during my first trimester. I finished the final foamy sip and felt a wave of dizziness that led me to abstain from caffeine for a few months. Not pictured is the delicious cannoli, complete with lit birthday candle.

I posted earlier about how this pregnancy has been relatively easy going. While that is certainly the case, that doesn't mean I have been completely symptom-less. Some things I didn't expect while expecting cropped up along the way.

Dizziness: Around week 6 or so, I noticed that I would have dizzy spells, especially in the morning. I cut coffee out completely since a lot of my morning routine seemed to correspond with coffee. I also was instructed by my midwife to really up my protein intake. I ate eggs and/or greek yogurt every day to ensure I was getting enough protein to help my body cope with the hormonal changes occurring. Eventually I realized the iron in my prenatal was exacerbating my issues so I switched to one without iron for a little while (focusing on iron rich foods, instead).

Dizziness that evolved into nausea: I really only had this a few times and thankfully the nausea was never productive (if you know what I mean). I coped by never allowing my stomach to bottom out in terms of hunger. I also took a b6 supplement in addition to my prenatal. I also kept Luna Bars and Preggy Pop Drops (in sour formula) with me at all times. On some evenings, I took half a Unisom as a preventative measure. In Canada, there is a prescription that combines the active ingredient of Unisom (regular, not extra strength or whatever) with B6. It is said to really help stave off nausea.

Indigestion: One of my earliest symptoms involved heartburn and indigestion. Zantac and I became best buds (my midwife ok'd 150mg 2/daily but I mostly stuck with 75mg once or twice daily).

Cravings: My first vivid craving was for broccoli rabe with garlic and lemon. Soon after I was obsessed with eating fresh green peppers like apples (ala the Iron Chef). I wanted all the citrus fruits too. I ate plenty of pita chips with hummous. I also craved regular chips and milkshakes (not together). Pickles tasted more amazing than ever. So did lemons and limes (which I ate halved and plain). Intense tastes were my favorites so Chris helped me cope by making sour and vinegary slaws of mango and jicima. On one day when I was sure I would not recover from feeling crappy in the morning, I was cured with a Station Street hot dog and some Target counter popcorn.

Increased hunger: My appetite was insane during the first trimester. I was ravenous especially on the days when I went to the gym. I could eat more than ever before and became hungry soon after eating. It has slowed down but there are still days when I seem to be insatiable. Early on, I coped by keeping plenty of healthful snacks around (baby carrots, green pepper slices, oranges and eventually peaches, watermelon, berries, and other in-season fruits) but as evidenced by my cravings I wasn't always a healthy snacker.

Sense and sensitivity: Some of the best and worst parts of pregnancy have been my heightened sensitivities with regard to smells, touches, and emotions. Things that smell good smell AMAZING. And things that smell bad make me want to DIE. Hugs from loved ones feel so nice and on my happier, sappy days I feel more intensely in love with my partner than I ever thought imaginable. I am more heat sensitive than usual. I am definitely more emotionally sensitive than usual. There seem to be peaks and valleys and on the lower days, I cry more easily. But I have long been a sufferer from "too many feelings," as Robina once put it, so I don't find the emotions to be too surprising.

Round ligament stretching: I've felt some adjustment pains that are normal if not (often incredibly) uncomfortable. Some days have been worse than others. Some weeks have been worse than others. And in my second trimester I have had to slow down on going to the gym because of sciatic nerve pain in my lower half. I am doing stretches and taking walks to compensate but hopefully I'll be back to the gym soon, at least for low impact cardio.

I have a few other unremarkable and/or tmi symptoms that I will spare from this archive. But overall I am lucky that things have gone so well, so far.

One's on the way... Plus belly shots

Almost 22 weeks.

I feel bigger every day. And the top of my belly is starting to get more round and full. The fetal movements are consistent and sometimes distracting. It's very exciting and although kicks feel strong and significant for me (because they radiate from within when I catch them with my hand on the outside) Chris still hasn't been able to discern between movement from breathing and the fetus. I'm sure as the fetus grows it will be easier to feel (and become less novel to me... or maybe not? It is a fascinating and surreal experience that I tried to imagine in the weeks leading up to "the quickening").

I've been thinking a lot about motherhood and feminism lately. Growing up, one of the videotapes my siblings and I watched obsessively was "Muppet Treasures," which is a collection of skits from the Muppet Show. And this week I've found myself humming Loretta Lynn's rendition of Shel Silverstein's clever anthem for multiple-time, stay-at-home, mothers-to-be, "One's on the Way." Although I am not going to stay at home and will return to work full time when my leave is over, I do think the song highlights enduring socio-economic and cultural differences that alienate and divide mothers, even four decades later.

In the history of feminism, we have needed women to speak out against biological essentialism that reduces us to some sexist and idealized notion of inherent maternalism. But in that process of undoing, the resilient mechanisms of patriarchy found another method through which to pit types of women against other types of women and types of mothers against other types of mothers. Contemporary feminism encompasses many forms but because being pregnant is all still new to me, I am navigating unfamiliar terrain. And sometimes it is frustrating to acknowledge how divisions endure and how systemic mechanisms serve to further alienate women from each other. This is part of why "One's on the Way" looms large in my current consciousness.

Of course, the song's witty intra- and inter-gender politics didn't occur to me as a kiddo. But it's something I've been contemplating frequently, in the wake of article after article about whether women can "have it all," or perhaps more relevant, whether "having it all" is even on the menu for contemporary, middle-and working-class mothering. It's a lot to chew on! Anyway, you can see the skit from the Muppets here or Lynn singing the anthem solo, here.

Outfit details:
Old Navy Maternity Maxi Dress: buy it here (fyi this is sized generously. I am wearing a small with room to grow).

Kicking and looking vs. not looking pregnant

Nearly 21 weeks

Last night while resting my hand on my abdomen, I felt two kicks so strong and distinct that they made me gasp. It was when I was winding down to fall asleep so I grabbed Chris's hand hoping for more. Of course, it stopped at least until both of us tired of waiting. Regardless, it was so wild to feel it from the outside and inside.

I proceeded to dream of a baby who I was attempting to swaddle, much to their dismay. It "baby hulked" its way out of the swaddle every time I tried to wrap it up. Very cute and funny! It felt really real, too.

Every time I think I am starting to look pregnant, onlookers (family, friends, and acquaintances) inform me I do not. I guess I am not used to seeing a thicker-for-me middle so it seems so obvious from my vantage point. But there is plenty of time left for me to "look" pregnant. In the meanwhile, I will enjoy that I can still go to the gym and feel ease in my continued mobility.

Outfit details:
Kate Spade rosette top (from the Kate Spade Outlet)
Max Studio skirt (from Marshalls)

On bonding and psychic connections

Celebrating my bday at home with Chris... the gifts were all family-friendly and family-themed.

The "pregnancy, week by week" emails include two things consistently: a produce size comparison of the fetal growth and suggestions for how the pregnant person should be bonding with the fetus. Chris's (and my) favorite part about these emails is the former. I find myself generally ambivalent when it comes to the latter.

I understand the purpose of these bonding tips is to try to make more "real" what is otherwise a fairly abstract and surreal existential state. But I am not sure that I'm ready to be singing songs and reading stories to my abdomen. I guess I am skeptical that doing so would produce a more "bonded" maternal identity. It isn't that I feel a disconnect either. I just find the suggestions to be bizarre (and politically unnerving) in their subtextual assumptions about personage.

The increased feelings of fetal movement have made far more real my experience of (an otherwise fairly low symptom) pregnancy than anything else. Those brief encounters of sight and sound in earlier weeks were helpful too.

I have heard women describe pregnancy as a feeling of being haunted (by a presumably friendly spirit). Being haunted wasn't my experience early on, when I was having dizzy spells and couldn't drink coffee. That felt much more like an enduring hangover. But lately there is a feeling of something abstract and omnipresent that stays with me. I find myself unconsciously resting a hand on my abdomen. And I'm discerning with ease my stomach's own grumblings from the "quickening." I may not be reading books or singing songs but I catch myself communicating psychically and occasionally aloud to that looming presence. It feels silly to admit that on some subconscious level my brain thinks that a psychic connection is possible but because the fetus is internal to me, I guess it makes logical (albeit irrational) sense.

Wait, do I actually believe a fetus is capable of reading thoughts the way I have presumed a ghost (or at times in my life when I was feeling spiritual, a higher power) could? This doesn't jive with so many of my actual (rational) beliefs. Pregnancy is so weird.

Bump Progression

If you read my other blog, Consume or Consumed you've already seen the first of these bump progression shots!

 Nearly 18 weeks!

Nearly 20 weeks!

Things are moving along and I am almost halfway there. I cannot believe it. We found out the gender as well as much more important developmental information (like the presence of necessary organs and what not) at my anatomy scan on Monday! Feeling good (and hungry), sleeping well, and starting to really feel movement regularly. It can't yet be felt from the exterior but I can feel shifts and pokes and occasional hiccups which is insane and surreal.

None of the clothes I'm wearing above are actual "maternity" clothes. With all the stretchy options and my bump still being relatively small, it hasn't felt necessary. I can still wear my regular shorts and a few of my drawstring skirts (which I admit, were all much more loose and baggy at the waist this time last year!). Many of my dresses no longer fit which is to be expected. But I feel good and comfortable.

Outfit 1 details:
Kate Spade Rosette top
Anthropologie "Ancient Myths" maxi skirt
BP sandals from Nordstrom

Outfit 2:
LA Made jersey dress from Piperlime.com sale

Getting bigger

Four months along

I think I'm the only person at my gym who looks bigger every time I go. Of course I don't really look at people who aren't Chris at the gym so I imagine no one else notices. Gym etiquette dictates that you get in, get out, and basically ignore all the strangers who are also there to take care of business. But it is kind of fun to see my stomach change. The weirdest part is the firmness and how that shifts depending on what I'm doing.

Overall, I've tried to remain rational and accepting of my transitioning figure. But it's not always so easy to be rational with the excess of hormones coursing through my (also increased) blood volume. I've written about it a little on Consume or Consumed (my style blog). As shallow as it sounds, when you've put forth as much effort as I have in assembling a wardrobe, it is sort of troubling when those beloved garments no longer fit. And although I've always tried to be kind to myself when it comes to self esteem and body image, it is pretty wild to have your body change in ways you cannot control nor predict. More on that eventually...